Fears
by hayffietrash
Summary: She stepped out of the shower - dripping wet, skin red, eyes sore. How long has it been? She wish she could drown her thoughts in the shower, forget everything that has happened. She wish she could numb the fear within her but all she got were numb limbs. Pregnant Hayffie. Post MJ.
1. Chapter 1

**My first attempt at writing fanfiction and finally got the guts to upload it.**

 **Shipping hayffie since forever. I would love to hear your thoughts and comments on my first story.**

* * *

She stepped out of the shower - dripping wet, skin red, eyes sore. _How long has it been?_

She wish she could drown her thoughts in the shower, forget everything that has happened. She wish she could numb the fear within her but all she got were numb limbs. She stopped crying though.

She thought she could ignore the problem _. Was it just a "problem"?_

But she caught a glimpse of the results on the counter again. "Fuck." She mentally chided herself for swearing but this is probably an appropriate moment. She grabbed the test and shoved it in the bin.

Still naked, she sat on the toilet with her head in her hands and let out a frustrated grunt. She wanted to stop thinking - she needed to stop thinking.

 _It was driving her crazy. How would he react? He would swear, no doubt. Will he want this? No. Does that matter? Yes. Is she keeping it? Yes. Was she scared? Hell yes. Should she even tell him? Yes? Will he leave her?_

She shivered. She had goosebumps were all over her body. She wrapped a towel around herself and stood in front of the mirror. The mist was gone, she must have been in there for quite a while. It's a good thing he wasn't home, he would have came knocking to check on her by then. Not that it happened often now but often enough when she first came to live with him. Those were bad times but they survived and here they are.

 _Is this such a bad thing? Things are different now. She is different. He is different. They are different. But would that make a difference to how he will react to this news? What would -_

 _She needs to stop thinking._

Looking into the mirror, her eyes were still red and puffy, she let them trail down her body.

The scars hidden under the towel and -

She cannot bear to think about it. Yet. She will eventually. There are still a few days before he would be coming back from the Capitol. He is helping Plutarch to settle some issues regarding the rebuilding of the districts. Progress is slow but things are much better now. It has been 3 years since the war. Two since she came back with Peeta. One since she officially moved into his room. And now this. Their progress seems much faster than the districts rebuilding.

 _The thought made her laugh out loud. She IS going crazy, isnt she?_

Maybe she should read, that would distract her enough. She finally got out of the shower, put on her clothes and grabbed a random novel from the shelf and started reading.

Well, it distracted her enough until she fell asleep with the book in her hands.

She woke up to the phone ringing. She glanced at the clock while she picked up the receiver. _11pm._

"Hello?" She said sleepily, rubbing her eyes.

"Hey Sweetheart, were you sleeping?" His voice brought her back to the problem she didn't want to think about.

"Yeah." Her mind wandering off now that she is more awake.

"Sorry. You don't usually sleep so early, are you okay?"

"And you don't usually call. Yes, just having a headache that's all." She lied. _Was that a lie?_

"You know how much I hate coming back to this place, I wanted a distraction. I will be back in a few days. You should rest."

"You too. Rest early." She put down the receiver and sighed.

She made a mental note to get rid of the trash in the bathroom before he gets home. She picked up her book and tried to read. Tried. She couldn't stop thinking. A dozen scenarios ran in her head.

She got up to make some tea and paused as her hands reached for the cabinet where she kept her sleeping pills. It has been a while since she touched them. Was tonight a good time to use them again? _Just one._ She thought _. Couldn't hurt could it?  
_ She took one and downed it along with her tea.

She got back to the book she was reading and stared at the words which her mind refuse to make sense of. It took a while before the pills took effect.

At least it was a dreamless sleep.

* * *

He wrapped his arms around her waist. She snuggled back into his chest and he buried his nose in her hair.

"Morning." He said.

"Morning. I thought you were staying for a few more days?" She replied.

"Yeah, you know how I feel about leaving you alone. Might kill my geese." That earned him an elbow in the stomach.

"I will kill you before that." She huffed.

He chuckled. "Your stomach is growling."

"Shut up." She slipped out of bed and headed to the bathroom.

Well, he might as well make some breakfast while she was washing up. They both knew who was the better cook in the house.

It sometimes surprised him that this was their normal. It was a normal that they've earned and deserved.

* * *

It seems so easy to fall back to their easy banter and for her to pretend that nothing is wrong.

She leaned against the counter and sighed. Well at least there weren't any signs of her breakdown from the day before.

After washing up, she picked up the trash and hid it beneath the waistband of her shorts. Now she needed a way to slip outside and dump it in the bin where he wouldn't look. That would buy her sometime to think of how to tell him the news before he found out himself. Her fingers brushed the skin below her belly button.

 _How did they let it happen? When did it happen? It wasn't like they keep track of how often they had sex._

Her stomach growled again, bringing her back from her thoughts. She adjusted her top to make sure the test was well concealed before making her way out. He wasn't in the room anymore and she could smell his cooking. Gosh, it smelled so good. She skipped dinner yesterday and she was starving.

She made her way down to the kitchen, feeling the stick cold against her skin.

Taking in the smell of scrambled eggs and toast, _breakfast first.  
_ She will think of how to get rid of the stick later.

"I am starving." She said as poured some milk for the both of them and went to sit at the table. The stick set uncomfortably between her thighs and waist.

"Maybe it's time for you to learn how to cook then." He teased, setting two plates of breakfast on the table.

"I would if you actually allowed me to touch your kitchen."

"Now thinking of it. After the last time you tried to burn down the house, maybe not." He laughed.

"I hate you." She took her plate and started eating.

"Me too sweetheart." He grinned, giving her a peck on her cheek.

They ate their food in silence. Her mind wandering again.

They have came so far. What did she do to deserve this? What did she do to deserve him?

She finished her food and stood up to put her plate in the sink as the stick slipped from waistband.

 _Shit._

* * *

"What is this?" He picked it up before she could.

She stood rooted to the ground, staring at the test in his hands.

"Sweetheart, this…" He was at a loss for words.

"You…" She grabbed the test from him before he could finish.

"Oh… This is nothing, probably a faulty test. Don't worry about it, I was just going to throw it away." She said almost too chirpily, turning her back against him and walking towards the backdoor.

"Don't." He grabbed her wrist. He knew that tone. He hadn't heard it for a long time and he never want to hear it again.

He had hoped she would stop doubting his love for her, stop being too good for him, stop putting him before herself. Deep down he knew he can never love her more than she does with him, she loved him too much and because of that she had been hurt again and again.

He tried to pull her close but she refused. He could almost hear her silent tears. He stepped in front of her and pulled her in.

"Is it mine?" It was a stupid question but he was never good with words.

"Do you have to ask?" She replied, slightly annoyed.

"Then why are you hiding it?" He knew why but he asked anyway.

"You never wanted children." _She loved him too much._

"Things are different now." He sighed. He didn't know what to feel but he hate to see her hurting.

"I am scared."

"Don't be." He was terrified.

If things go wrong, they can figure out what to do together. _They can be scared together._

 _She is good at that- keeping them together._

He sometimes wondered if she had stopped loving him, would she hurt lesser and feel happier. If she never fell for him, would she have never gone through so much pain. Would she have met someone more deserving of her love than him? Part of him is selfish and never want to let her go. Part of him wants her to be happy and if that means being away from him, he could let her go.

But they are here now and he wouldn't trade the world for this. He knew he didn't deserve this. _He didn't deserve her. She didn't deserve him._

But he couldn't imagine life without her. Perhaps he is more selfish than he thought he'd be. Perhaps he did love her as much as she loves him.


	2. Chapter 2

**I didn't expect to get any reviews/favs/follows at all. Thank you for reading my story!**

 **I initially didn't know how to continue this story. But I hope I did alright with this chapter. Enjoy!**

* * *

There were things she wanted to tell him. _Things that terrified her._

But love doesn't work that way. Love makes the smartest of people do stupid and unexplainable things to protect the ones they love.

She didn't need to deepen his guilt. _She knew him too well._

Sometimes she wondered if he loved her too. Sometimes she wondered if it was just all guilt. She wondered if it was selfish for her to want him by her side even though he didn't love her. She wondered if he would be happier if she left and he could live his life. But she couldn't. _She loved him too much._ Sometimes she wondered if it was possible for one _to_ _love too much._

She wouldn't leave until he told her to do so. She was selfish like that. _Love is selfish._

It has been one year and he hasn't kick her out of his their room yet. _Did he love her too?_

Being here _in_ their kitchen. In his arms. Pregnant.

She'd like to think he did. She would live with this ignorance until he told her otherwise. _Ignorance is bliss._

* * *

He liked how she fit in his arms. He liked how she smelled like a combination of both of them. He liked the feel of her soft golden curls between his fingers. He liked her smile which were becoming a more common occurrence these days.

 _He loved her._ Not that he ever told her. He'd hope she knew.

He loved all the small things they had together. Breakfast in bed. Walks in the meadow. Lazy lie ins on Sundays. _Perhaps there are more small things to add on to this list after all._

He never knew when they started having such routines. _He never knew when he started loving her._

He pressed a kiss on her head.

"Why are you still crying?" _He did suck at talking in times like this._ Considering he did talk his way into getting sponsors over the years.

"I am relieved that I don't have to think about how to tell you anymore. I am happy that you haven't sprinted out of the house or grabbed a bottle yet. I am scared of what might happen because of my injuries." Her voice turned into a whisper.

"The doctors said you were fully healed. We will be okay. We can visit the clinic for a check up this weekend? I can't say I didn't think of running. But what is the point? I can never seem to run away from you anyway."

"I love you." She sad wrapping her arms around his waist.

"I know."

She smiled.

 _It always felt like a small victory when he knew he was the reason she smiled._

"We should clean up."

They fell back into their usual routine so easily. Her washing the dishes and him heading out to feed the geese.

He still needed some time to process her pregnancy. They both knew that. It always amazed him how much patience she has with him. _How well she knew him._

He fed the geese quietly, letting his thoughts consume him.

 _Games are over. War is over. She is safe. Peeta and Katniss is safe. They are safe. Nothing is standing between him and his happiness anymore. Was he happy? Yes. Was he scared? Yes._

His mind went through thousands of possibilities of what could go wrong and why he didn't deserve this. He caught a glimpse of her through the windows. She had her hair up in a messy bun, bare faced, wearing his shirt and her own shorts. She has finished the dishes and was cleaning up the house. She looked so peaceful.

 _They were happy and even if it was for just this moment he wouldn't give it up. He has been sad for too long. They would take this one step at a time. Together._

He thought of their child. _Their child. It was such a foreign thought._ It felt so surreal. Someone who is a combination of them both. Someone who had her selflessness, her kindness and her ability to love.

He smiled.

 _She was the reason he smiled too._

* * *

She heard the backdoor open and close. She was sitting on the sofa, legs crossed, leaning against the arm rest and reading her novel. She used to read a lot when she was a child but she read lesser as she grew older. It was one thing she never got sick of. She could spend a whole day reading and never get bored.

She could hear him in the kitchen probably getting a drink - _water_.

It has been a while since he touched liquor. She was so proud of him. They have came so far. Years ago, she wouldn't imagine this - being able to be with the ones she love, living in a world without the games and glamour and having a baby on the way.

She was really happy. She didn't imagine the revelation or his reaction to be like this.

She thought about their future and their child. Someone with his stubbornness, his intelligence and his strength.

When she was younger, she used to think this was stupid.

Getting married, getting pregnant and having babies. You lose your whole life, your figure and get confined to taking care of your children. It was boring. It wasn't fashionable.

But now, it was all she could ask for. Maybe not getting married. But having someone to love. Someone who loved her.

Her life wasn't like before. She didn't need the glamour or the attention. She had a life here with the people she love. It felt like her life was just starting. _Chapter 2._ Like in her books. And it can only get better. She'd like to think that they had gone through the worse of it.

She wasn't pretty anymore. _She had scars._ She wouldn't care if she lost her figure. _Good genes has kept her body quite well too._

She felt the sofa dip and his head finding its way to her lap.

She put her book down and let her hands trail down his face, running her fingers through his hair.

* * *

"How are you feeling?" His eyes closed. He craved for her comfort. _It used to be such a foreign thing._

"How are you feeling?" _She knew him too well._

"I am happy. I guess. I have had happiness taken away from me too many times. I am not gonna deny us a chance at happiness." He was never expressive but she changed him in the smallest ways.

"Then I am happy too." She leaned in for a short kiss.

"Everything is gonna be fine." He kept his hand on the back of her neck and brushed his nose against hers.

" _Everything is gonna be fine._ "


	3. Chapter 3

**This is going to be the last chapter for this story. I hope you guys enjoyed it. It was supposed to be a one shot and now I feel like I have been dragging for too long. It's only going to bore everyone. Do check out my other story Of Things Unsaid. I am also currently working on another multi-chapter story so do look out for that too! Love you guys!**

* * *

Four months. How could they not know.

Well… Effie wasn't showing. Her periods were never regular. Pregnancy has never been a topic they thought of.

It wasn't a surprise they didn't find out earlier.

They found out they were having a boy. Both Effie and the baby were healthy. There weren't any complications to worry about. The risks of her pregnancy had also decreased since they have passed the first trimester.

He sat in the doctor's office while the doctor rambled on everything regarding the pregnancy.

He wasn't listening anymore. It just felt like everything was muffled and he was trapped in his own little bubble.

It suddenly felt really really real. In a few months, they will be having a screaming baby in the house.

The room suddenly felt small. He felt suffocated.

Effie must have sensed his distressed as her hand found his.

He stood up and left without excusing himself. _Effie would tell him off for having bad manners._

He heard Effie apologising for him. But he couldn't care less. He need air. Fresh air.

He got out of the clinic. _He should be there with her._

But he needed time alone. Everything felt so foreign.

He thought of heading to the meadow. He thought of heading home.

He went to the bakery instead.

He walked in, casually greeting Peeta and Katniss, grabbed a bag of cinnamon buns and left. They were asking him things but his mind was somewhere else. _He didn't care anyway._

He figured that he should get something for her before heading back to the clinic.

Even though it has been a while since the war, not everyone was accepting of her presence in Twelve.

He knew no one would dare touch her because of him, Peeta and Katniss. But it didn't settle well with him leaving her alone. That's why he would call everyday while he was away.

He has had too many people taken away from him in his life. He didn't want to take the risks with Effie too. _Or their child._

The thought made him walk faster.

* * *

She was looking at the pamphlets in her hands when she bumped into someone.

"Sorry." She muttered without looking up and continued walking. _Mother would be appalled but she had other things on her mind._

She felt the stranger following her. _Confront or escape?_

"What do you -" She said as she turned around to face Haymitch.

"What do you think you are doing?" She pursed her lips.

"Sorry." He said pulling her in.

"For leaving or following me?" She tried to wriggle her way out of his arms but he tightened his hug.

"Both. I'd be worried if you didn't sense that I was following you. At least you are alert enough."

"I am not dumb and I can protect myself if I have to."

He smiled. "Why not leave the protecting to me?"

"You aren't always with me are you?" She was clearly still slightly mad with him.

"Apology accepted?" He flashed a bag of baked goods in front of her.

Cinnamon buns. The smell made her mouth water.

"You are lucky I like cinnamon buns so much."

"But I know you like me better." He smirked.

"Are we going to stand here with you hugging me or are we going home?" She swatted his arms which were around her.

"Home." He let go of her and laced their fingers together.

She removed her hand and started opening the bag of buns.

He instinctively removed the documents she was hugging.

They both knew she couldn't stay mad for long. Nor can she stay away from cinnamon buns.

Peeta makes the best buns ever.

She wasn't mad at him. Just disappointed.

She knew he was one tough man to love. He needed space and time. He has gone through a lot in his life.

If she wanted a loving and understanding man, she would have married long ago. _But she love him._

And she knew this was what comes with loving Haymitch Abernathy.

Their relationship through the years was anything but easy.

She was always giving. He was too afraid to give. But he was learning.

 _He love her too. They just have different ways of expressing their love for each other._

She knew she couldn't blame him. Over the years, he had changed with her.

This was new to him. _To them._ And Haymitch wasn't the best with relationships or changes.

Too many relationships ended. Too many bad changes.

He is back now. _See. He is learning._

* * *

"What happened after I left?" He watched her finish the last of the buns and tried to catch her hand again. This time she let him.

"Nothing much. The doctor gave me some vitamins and pamphlets. We scheduled another appointment next month." She leaned against him.

She didn't ask if he wanted to go.

He paused as they entered the house.

"You want to talk about it?" He heard her ask.

He tugged her closer to him and kissed her. It was gentle. Nothing crazy.

But he'd hope she understood what he couldn't say.

* * *

His life was never normal. Getting thrown into the games at the age of 16. Having his whole family killed by the government. Drinking for most parts of his life to fight his demons. Watching kids die every year. Leading a rebellion.

He never knew what normal was.

But being here, with her, this was a normal he could get used to.


End file.
